Give Me Cookie Dough or Give Me Death


School has started back and once again it’s time for the friendly PTO reminders of whatever shit the kids will be selling this week. I don’t mind the school supplies, weird fees, and occasional classroom donation… but I refuse to buy wrapping paper. Cookie dough, yes. Wrapping paper, hell no.

The high school PTO had the brilliant idea to hold a parking spot lottery. I don’t know the details (as explained below), but seriously? We expect kids to pay $60 for a spot close to the school? Let’s look at this the Surviving Alabama way.

Little Sally is not going to pay $60. She hasn’t worked a day in her 18 year old life, but Mommy and Daddy are willing to pay $60 so Sally can sleep in late and pull up to a spot right in front. Sounds fantastic. When little Sally flunks out of nursing school and has to get a job, will her parents bail her out again so she doesn’t have to park in the back of her workplace? Hmm, hopefully.

Smart (ass) Solution

I came up with a simple suggestion: The VIP high school experience. For only $5,000, little Sally and Johnny can have the best parking spots, top lockers, best lunch table, be first seat in the band, quarterback/head cheerleader, assigned the easiest teachers, and receive 20 points extra on every exam.

I was called a smart mouth and the post was deleted.

Sure, my suggestion is completely off the deep end. It was meant to be. In their quest to fund retarded┬ásilly projects for the school, they’re creating a pay-to-play environment where everything is sacked with a fee under the guise of a “fundraiser.”

These are kids in public school. Half are on free or reduced lunches and many don’t have a pot to piss in. Yet, if you want your kid to have a PUBLIC education, you better be prepared to pony-up to meet the demands of the PTO. Instead of Parent Teacher Organization, perhaps Elitist Parent Teacher Organization would be more fitting.


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Emily is the person to blame behind Surviving Alabama. She is a nerd, a mother, and sometimes pretends to be a writer (although there was that one legit writing job for a few years...). When she isn't writing, repairing computers, or designing websites, Emily is happily raising three children with her very understanding husband.


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